Oh My Heart!

I don't think the excitement of having a girl has really struck until tonight when we were at Target procuring ping pong balls. I stopped in the infant's section and saw this little number and DIED. I dissolved into incoherent high-pitched "ooooooh sooooooo cuuuuuuuutes" and knew that the shopping fun has only just begun. Brandon better not DARE put me on a budget now...

Cade wanted to show it to my parents and proudly announced, "We got some pajamas fo my wittle sister. Der cute!"

Oh my heart I cannot wait until we bring Little P, K, or D (depending on the name we choose) home from the hospital in this. So wait you're all as excited about this as I am, right? ;)

Missing--

I miss sleeping on my stomach
and
I miss actually being able to sleep
and also
I miss seeing my husband for more than an hour or two a day
and don’t forget
I miss being able to run without struggling to get oxygen
and
I very much miss the blissful, naïve years of childhood
and
I miss having no responsibilities past feeding the dog and
washing my hair on Sunday
and
I miss being moved to tears by the beauty of a tragic ending in a book
because I miss
being able to be moved at all. I feel so jaded.
And I miss
My flat stomach
And
pre-pregnancy body
and I miss
my son allowing me to hold him and stroke his hair and kiss his eyelids
and nose.
And I miss that girl
who stood up for what she believed in
and pushed two bullies
who were
making fun of
her twin brother
when
he broke his elbow.
I miss that fiery passion
and I miss that knowledge I used to wield
knowing that
I could make a difference.
I guess what I’m
trying
to say
is that
I miss
I really really really miss
The Old Me.

Pro-Huh?

So during my sesh with W (the therapist) I was telling her that sometimes I wonder if I still have anorexia because I gots da issues, or because maybe I’ve just not eaten for so long and watched my weight, it’s more a habit and a lifestyle, and not because, you know, I’m mentally ill. She raised her eyebrows and asked if I reallllly believed that. And I said…maybe?

So she said, “So that means you’re pro-ana, right?”

What? Huh? Have you lost your candy wrapper? I'M NOT PRO-ANA!!

And then she said that she swore if my blog was pro-ana and if she found my writing on pro-ana websites, she’d kick my ass. And I laughed.

I swear I didn’t know that if I argued anorexia was a lifestyle and not a disease, that meant I was pro-ana. Huh. Apparently that’s like their whole mission statement or whatever. How did I not know this?

But do you think there is any merit at all to what I say? Don’t get me wrong – I think pro-ana websites are sick and wrong. I think giving others tips on how to lose weight quickly and drastically, yet proclaiming that they want people to stay safe and healthy, is twisted. I do not visit these sites. So therefore, I ‘spose it’s safe to assume I truly didn’t know what they really believed. Really honest I didn’t.

But sometimes, I do wonder, that even if I got over all my “issues” and loved myself ‘n stuff, would the instinct to watch my weight and restrict still be there? Truthfully I can’t imagine it not being there. And that doesn’t mean I want it there – I’d love to have those compulsions be gone gone gone far away. I’m only saying that imagining them being gone, actually not being a part of my life; seems so elusive, so ethereal. So delicious, but farfetched. Know what I mean?

So I guess that’s my question. Wait what is my question? Oh yes. Is there value to what I say? That anorexia/bulimia/other ED’s can become a knee-jerk reaction in life, almost like blinking, or do you really believe that if you could handle stress and anxiety and love yourself, the urge to engage in [insert your ED] would diminish?

Don’t call me a naysayer. I’m just wonderin’.

Girl Stuff

It’s going to be tough coming up with a girl’s name. I feel like boy’s names are easier because there seem to be less of them. But with girls do you go old-school and do something old à new again like Lucy or Molly or Sophia or do you go for the newer, more modern names, like Layla or Bailey? (And, for the record, none of those names are names we are actually considering, I’m just posting examples.) Brandon thinks it’s really funny to make up the ugliest names he can think of then ask me what I think of them with a dead-serious face. “What about Brosephina?” he asks all innocently, and I swiftly smack him to mete out the punishment he so very much deserves. Gah, the man’s going to be of no help. So if any of you have any suggestions I will be thrilled to hear them! Everyone, go! Give me your top 3 girl’s names and I will love you and blow you kisses and maybe show you my cleavage? Also, I'm hesitant to post the names we are thinking of because if people dog them then I'll feel sad. Very sad indeed. Opinions?

I’m going to go the fabric store soon and the bad-ass seamstress in me will re-emerge. She’s been hiding in the storage room next to the cat litter and mouse traps with my sewing machine. But now that I know I’m having a chica, I can’t wait to go buy fabrics in pinks and oranges and purples and browns oh my and sew beautiful patchwork quilts and blankies and bows and stuff. Oh my heart!

With my parents still gone in Europe (they come home from their month long expedition on Friday) I feel like the house has been taken over by dirty little fiends (maybe Husband and Lil C?) who mess the house up. It certainly can’t be me, so I don’t know how to explain it. And why do I not fix this? I’m such a pushover, plus, I hate cleaning. I swear, if I got kidnapped, I’d get Stockholm Syndrome in record time – after a week I’d be making my a-hole kidnappers PB&J’s and giving back rubs. So tomorrow night before they come home it’s designated Frantically Clean up the House before Mom and Dad Bust Me Day. If anyone wants to help, just gimme a shout.

Names? Go? Now!

Oh, and just cuz I love this picture, I'm going to post it. Me and my sissies Amber (middle) and Brooke (right) on Halloween. Do we looks alike?

18 Weeks

Well, it's that time again. I've decided every two weeks I'm going to post a picture of The Belly to track its, er, growth. Gettin' big, eh? And aren't we happy I'm not in that green dress again? [I do believe the belly and the boobs are tied. Who will be ahead next time?]

ps I go in for my ultrasound today. Hopefully it's still a girl, unless she mysteriously decided to grow a peenie in 4 days, in which case I will cackle and give him/her MAD props. I'll keep you updated!

That’s a V, as in, are you deaf?

No one knows how to spell or pronounce my name. It’s a real toughie. I spell it out for people on a daily basis. (It’s the darn married last name that does me in.) Yesterday was one of those days.

I was on the phone with my allergist’s receptionist, making an appointment to see him. She asked me for my name, and I said, "Brie Breivik." The inevitable pause. And then the inevitable question: “How do you spell that, Hon?”

“B-r-i-e B-r-e-i-v-i-k.”

“Wait okay so B-r-e-i B-r-i-e-b-i-k?”

“No. Switch the e and the i in the first and last name and get rid of the b and substitute that for a v.” Nervous laugh. “Like, I before E except for in Breivik…?” How is she not getting this? I try again. “Breh-Vik. Breivik!” I'm getting desperate now.

“Huh?”

“Okay. BREIVIK. B-R-E-I-V-I-K. V. As in Vermont. Virginia. Victor. Visectomy. Voyeur. Vagina.”

Laughs. “Okay, thanks Ms. BreiBik, we have you scheduled for the 25th!”

Gah. How irriBating.

I mean irritating.

Halloween Happenings

I haven't taken any family pictures since August. That kind of makes me a bad person, I think, so to make up for that I took dozens of pictures of our Halloween festivities. I'm posting about 25 (I know I'm sorry) on this post so feel free to scan quickly!

In the afternoon we went to Great Grandpa and Grandma Sudweeks house for a Halloween party. We dined on a salad bar and homemade chili and veggie soup and played lots of fun games. Here's C with his little cousin, Blake. They're sizing each other up...

Cade with his two little witch cousins, E and K.

I think I am a line-backer. What's with the head to shoulder ratio going on? Eek. (Husband is so cute!)

Playing choo-choos with B. He actually shared a train with him. I nearly cried.

We had to bribe him to put on his Thomas the Train costume. You think I'm kidding? We went straight to Walmart afterward and bought him a new train. As you can see, he was less than pleased in his get-up (but he eventually warmed up to it).

He got really excited when he saw that B was being Thomas, too. Adorable, isn't it

I kept trying to get a decent pic of the two but B would not hold still...

Um, yeah. I freaking won the count the tootsie roll contest or whatever! (I guessed 74. There were 77. I like never win anything so we were thrilled!)

First house going trick or treating that night...

I had to take this adorable candid photo of my nieces. M is in the garish dress with the purple bow, and A is in the indian costume. I heart them.

My sissies Brookie and Am and C and his other cousing B running to the next house.

Mama got tired of walking so I'd half-heartedly stay at the end of the driveway while Daddy took C up to get his candy. If someone didn't go with him, he'd go up there, say trick or treat, stand there for a minute, then walk away without getting candy. He's working on the logistics.

C got tired and began whining for someone to hold him. Poor guy!

My sweet lil pumpkin niece B. Oh my heart!

After we had trick or treated with my side of the famiy, Husband and I drove over to his in-laws and we went with his dad and his sister Emily and her hubby Craig and their two kids, B and B. It was fun to meet up with both sides of the fam. Two cute little Thomas'...

Those are my cute boots. (And C too, I guess :)

I didn't actually decide to dress as a hoodlum for Halloween, I'm just wearing Husband's coat. My coats are all dressy and look weird with my prego-ness so I decided to go baggy and comfy.

I had to get a shot with the little pumpkin!

C so happy!

Finally, finally we came home. Daddy and C inspecting the loot.

Yeah, I wanted to get in on the action too!

I'm not even kidding I think he ate at least 12 packs of Kit Kats. He's already out.

And then, for fun, I thought I'd post this pic of me and C last year on Halloween. He pretty much disliked it this year as much as last year, but we're making progress!

And after it was over, I was TIIIIIIIIIRREEEED. I made some hot cocoa and passed out at like 9 pm (shutup it seriously felt like 3 am or something!)

Hope you all had a lovely and very spooky Halloween too!